The Virginia Informer

Last Updated:3/11/10 Section: Love Actually

Relationship expectations can shape our experience of a relationship before it even begins. With them set right, the love between two people can flourish and become healthy, encouraging, and steady. When they are askew, everything is wrong. No one is going to be happy in a relationship where neither knows what to expect of either party.

Tears, angry words, gossip, complaints, and bitter breakups are commonly seen and heard at William and Mary. Maybe it's typical of any college campus, but why do two people even think about committing to each other without determining their expectations?

We have had our share of bad relationships, but we feel that, with each other, we are finally getting it mostly right. We know that we do not have all the answers. We still fail in our relationship at times, and we are humbled by that. We hope that you read our column without expecting too much or too little.

We all enter relationships with a particular idea of how it will go. This outlook is heavily affected by the culture around us. A woman's favorite chick flick will create distinct and often unrealistic ideals she will then expect a man to meet. If the A-list movie star moves mountains to magically reach his girlfriend in time for their date, the viewer will expect the same picture-perfect ending in her life. Meanwhile, men watching those same stars repeatedly rolling around in bed set unsatisfying standards of what being intimate should look like.

While people normally reference the danger of disappointment in having your expectations too high, low expectations can be just as harmful. Having low expectations for a relationship is not always deliberate. Personal experience has taught us that if you begin a relationship without considering what an appropriately high standard looks like, it is easy to settle for poor treatment.

I, Lauren, have always had low expectations. I hadn't taken the time to consider not what movies and culture told me I should expect, but the respectful and kind treatment that an honorable man could give me. Consequently, I assumed that whatever way I was treated was the norm and to expect or ask for more made me an insecure, needy girlfriend. Mike and I are still dealing with the mindset that this created. The extent of Mike's chivalry (which is not dead, by the way) was cause for many long talks that analyzed why I was so thrown off by his selfless treatment of me. Patience and honesty have reversed much of the damage of my previous too-low standards.

I, Mike, have struggled with the opposite problem: having expectations set too high. I am naturally flawed with the constant feeling that I am not doing well enough. For example, as a young soccer goalie, I said I would never be happy until I stopped every single shot in practice or a game and held to that promise well. In a relationship, this kind of thinking causes numerous problems. I never felt like what I did was enough, and I was distressed when I felt like I had done something wrong (whether or not that was so). Earlier in our relationship, the thought ran through my head one night, "Why isn't Lauren making me feel fully satisfied?" I knew that assumption was wrong, and this was a wake up call for me to relax and to get my expectations straight for both of us.

By communicating honestly, calmly, and lovingly, we were able to work through these flaws and have victory in many areas. We are not perfect, by any means, and troubles do flair up from time to time. However, without recognition of our skewed expectations, we would not be moving past them.

Progressing with you,

Mike & Lauren

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